President Obama

Today we welcome a new president into the office, Barack Hussein Obama, just in case you were living in the bush and just so happened to get your hands on a computer, were able to by-pass all the ads, computer banners, and news reals and made it to "Little lads large lattes." I'm so glad that as our country is stumbling along finacially, the 2 and 1/2 billion dollar a year lobbiest made sure to wine and dine the president into his first day of office (you know, just in case he follows through with one of his campaigning statements to not take money from federal lobbiest). 170 million dollars to swear in our new president....SERIOUSLY>>>>SERIOUSLY????? If you start hitting your head against the keyboard, no one will fault you.

Adjusting the Sail

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sail. -William Arther Ward-

That pretty much sums up my big news of the day....stay posted for further updates!!!! (I just LOVE that quote, BTW).

BE GREY - BE PROUD!

Well, I am proud to announce I have received my second badge of honor in motherhood (the first of coarse, being childbirth), and the second...my first grey hair. And let me tell you, this is no ordinary random hair that grows way in the back in some obscure place...oh no no no! This grey (or white...whose spitting hairs) hair is smack dead center in the tip of my widows peak for all to see and gander. But, let me tell you...as most might, I did not pluck out this beautiful hair of mine at first or even second inspection. Oh no, instead, I marveled at it, and got a bit humbled. I am now moving into the position in life that bequests white hair. Nor did I turn right around and schedule my hair coloring appointment (most of you know that I am an all natural type).

I have heard many times that long grey hair is not attractive, and maybe in the future, I might agree...for now, I don't. I think it is incredibly lovely when women can be proud of the years they have under foot, and still feel young enough to wear their hair long and grey. They are certainly rare and unique women that keep their hair grey and long. But thinking through all the women I've known that do that, they are all women that intrigue me, are interesting individuals and are those that seem to forge their own paths in life. I admire a women that has the strength to buck the expectations of society to hide and not show the 'real' you. Grey hair, and getting older is a badge of honor that has long been overlooked as unacceptable for some reason. The elderly are overlooked and we treat them as if their use in this life is no more (if they could at least drive a little faster or stop insisting on paying for things in pennies).

Sure I'm tempted to color my hair for something new and different, or cut it up short and cute, like all of you adorable short haired women out there. The bible says a women's crown is her hair...what a funny thing to be in the bible, but it's quite true. For humiliation through all history, shaving a women's head was sufficient, was it not. Women who go through chemotherapy first want to know 'am i going to loose my hair?'

As a side note, since I'm on the hair subject, I had a girl recently give me the critical speach about how it was bad for me to wash and dry my hair everyday...hummm probably not any worse than getting it colored and using mulitple products daily like she did....just a thought. Not much difference really.

So instead I say, lets loose the judgement, what ever you think makes you look the prettiest, and makes your hair look the best, then you go right ahead and do it. After all, it's the state of your crown we're talking about.
But just remember ladies (or men for that matter)...be not afraid to BE GREY AND BE PROUD.
P.S. I have to put this in just for Rob (inside joke), but again no judgement....HOLY SKUNK HAIR!

Redeeming Love

The love of God is as tender as a Daddy's to his children, and yet as passionate as that of a lover. Thank you again Francine Rivers for giving me a book that refreshed my soul. I couldn't put it down. Redeeming Love is fantastic, the retelling of the book of Hosea from the Old Testament...bear with me...set in the gold rush era of Calif. A man that falls in love with a prostitute, and the pain and love and immense beauty of the story. For those of you unfamiliar with the biblical story, think Pretty Women and how gorgeous is the love that would step into the dirtiness, ugliness, shameful and guilty life and bring you out whole, beautiful, guilt free and forgiven. Anyway, it's amazing to think that is a story written by God to show how dedicated he is to bringing his people back to him, no matter what their condition.

I think I cried through the whole last chapter.

"She felt his hand on her head. 'My love,' he said. He took hold of her and drew her up again. She couldn't look into his face, wanting to hide her own. Michael took off his shirt and put it around her shoulders. When he tipped her chin up, she had no choice but to look into his eyes again. They were wet like her but filled with light. 'I hoped you would come home someday,' he said and smiled."

Keep Tahoe Blue...and keep me real.

I had the privilege of spending last weekend at Lake Tahoe, Zephyr Cove to be exact. I was on my first women's retreat with our Church, and let me tell you, I was most certainly blessed. The picture below shows a few of my cabin mates, yes all (or almost all) could have been my mother. There was great relief in that actually and safety to see and hear from so many beautiful women who have and are still struggling with life, whatever it may be. You see, there can either be comfort in that or discouragement. I had the opportunity to talk a bit with Sherri Elliston, as she was our visiting worship leader (who did a splendid job). Her and I being the youngest of the bunch, we both agreed that there was a part of us that thought,...well, once I get into college, or once I graduate and start working, or once I get married...etc.... then I'll get it together, and I'll be stronger, my trials not so great within me. And as we all are finding, it's not so. That brings me back to what I mentioned, it's either encouraging to know that our elder moms are still struggling, burdened, fighting, or (hopefully not) a discouragement that there is a lifetime of challenge ahead...IT DON'T GET EASIER...IT JUST CHANGES.
For me, I am encouraged. I am encouraged to know that I don't have to figure it all out today, and 'get my act together or else.' I was blessed by the reminding of the following simple statements of our beliefs. Try saying these out loud, it is one thing to know/believe these statements in your head, it's quite another to believe them in your heart.
Go on try it out loud...yes, it seems quite silly saying it to a computer...but you won't be able to deny the power in it once it is said.
**God is my perfect father (col 1:15-17; 2cor6:18; is9:6; john 10:22-30; heb 1:1-3)
**G0d really does love me (eph 1:3-14; eph 2:4-7; 1john 3:1)
**God knows everything about me and accepts me as I am. (ps 139:13-16; ro 5:8; ro 4:4-8; col 2:13-14)
**My actions do not affect God's love and acceptance of me. (col 1:21-23; ro 8:1-3; ro 3 :21-24)

Even though we say these are our beliefs as Christians, we don't always practice or preach this - do we?....it's always in relation to how well we or our neighbor can get their act together first. Shame on us. He wants so desperately for us to simply respond to his love for us...not fall into a religious show of excellence. (Please see the end of my blog from Oct. 9th, it seemed to follow this). Especially considering what I shared from the beginning of this blog, from the honesty of the women this weekend....it doesn't matter how old you are, struggles and challenges will be before you. So why can't we stop lying to one another, attempting to put on some sort of performance of religious excellance...nonsense...just stop it...NO ONE HAS IT ALL TOGETHER.
As a side note here, but it came to mind - even when we ask for each others advise about things as I witnessed this week at a moms group thing, we do it with one hand out ready to push back. For instance, 'how do you yadda, yadda, yadda...or get through yadda yadda.' only to respond to others answers with, 'well, yes i do that already, and oh and i already know that, and well, we do this.' It's as if we are trying to admit that we don't have it all together, but are never ready to listen and absorb an answer...maybe that's just too vulnerable. There could be such strength in vulnerability, as Jesus says, 'Gods power is made perfect in our weakness.' Paul, the apostle, said because of this he will boast about his weaknesses (last I checked....I was not boasting about any such thing), and this leaves us with the greatest oxymoron, 'For when I am weak, then I am strong.' Chew on that a minute, or maybe a lifetime.
Talk about things to chew on, I had the privilege of hearing Kelli Willson speak at the retreat this weekend, and as evidenced by just a few of my written thoughts above, she certainly gave the women LOTS to chew on.

You can't really tell from this picture, but Lake Tahoe is right below that big picture window!!!

Kelli about to start speaking. The cabin that 5 of us stayed in was incredible, again you can't tell from the pic, but below that window is the lake.

My morning view.

Okay, and if you can forgive the blurrines, this was sooooo cute. Isaiah has a new found love of oatmeal, and he has insisted on getting the last drop out of his bowel anyway he could.

The Great Romancer

I am being romanced by the Great Romancer. I have just finished reading Captivating (see book list), and I am even more convinced that my heart is being pursued, fought for, and enjoyed by our God. My God thinks that I am beautiful and worth it, worth the fight, and women....He is dying to whisper the same comforting words to you. There's a reason our hearts as women are never satisfied and long for a deeper sort of love. This next 2 parts are from the last chapter that I wanted to share with you all, and even if you are not a believer, maybe you could still take a moment to dream about a romance that is available to speak into the depths of your heart.

~Jesus is extending his hand to you. He is inviting you to dance with him. He asks, "May I have this dance.... every day of your life?" His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty. He is smiling. He cares of nothing of the opinion of others. He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your response. My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me." (Songs 2:10) You are a women. An image bearer of God. The crown of Creation. You were chosen before time and space, and you are wholly and dearly loved. You are sought after, pursued, romanced and the passionate desire of your Fiance Jesus. You are dangerous in your beauty and your life-giving power. And you are needed. As a women who has been ransomed and redeemed, you can be strong and tender. You speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. You are inviting; you can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of your life as well as your need for more because you are safe in God's love. You labor with God to bring forth life - in creativity, in work, in others. Your aching, awakened heart leads you to the feet of Jesus, where you wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon you. The KING IS CAPTIVATED BY YOUR BEAUTY.
~ Captivating
There is a story about a time when Jesus visited the house of Martha and her sister Mary. Of coarse this was a great honor for these women to have this man come to their home. Martha was so concerned and busy getting everything just right, cooking, etc. (like most of us would be). Everything must 'look' just right, taste just right, be just right....but Mary was unconcerned, instead it says that she just sat at Jesus' feet and was listening to him. What a beautiful picture, to just listen to him, allowing him to enjoy me and my vulnerability, and it's so freeing. "The one thing that is needed is a captivated, adoring heart, a heart that responds to the extravagant love of God with worship."
This is what Jesus says. "Martha, Martha,' Jesus answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" Luke 10: 38-42

We need to stop this thinking that we are required to do and perform to be a Christian. To sit at Jesus' feet...that is all that is required, and he will not take that away, the rest will flow from there.
God is not a duty.....Christianity is not a duty....Religion is not a duty....
It is an opportunity, an invitation offered to anyone to sit at the feet of the creator of the universe, and just....listen.

Outside my comfort zone

I did 2 things this weekend that scared me...but I believe I was successful anyway.

1. I am now a weed wacker maniac! I have always been quite frightened by the weed wacker...it seems so out of control and dangerous the way Rob whips it around the yard. I mean that thing could slice your belly right open and there you would be with your innards all over the front yard....ewww, not good for front yard appeal. Well....I did it!!! Rob showed me how to work it, and I pushed aside my anxiety and went to work....IT WAS EXHILARATING!!! Now I know why guys love the leaf blower, weed wacker, chain saw....the gas powered mower is so...well, powerful. Rob thinks that now because he's 'trained' me he never has to do the edging again...wrong.

2. Next...while I have now been working in the PICU for 3 years...I still don't feel very competent at my job....but they must think I'm capable cause they gave me an ECLS patient last Friday. These patients still scare me...but I did it anyway. This picture isn't exactly clear, but this is about what my patients room looked like. The machines in the picture include a ventilator and an ECLS machine, there isn't much room to move around. There are about 15 different pumps used to give things like blood, albumin, plasma, maintenance fluid, and the remaining are drugs...lots of them. One baby like this requires 2 nurses...and we didn't stop working all night, it's pretty insane. I'd like to also mention that the chest of this little baby wasn't closed after his heart surgery due to swelling...so there is a thin little piece of opaque plastic film that covers the heart...you can see it pumping, if you wanted to you could practically touch the heart
What is ECLS...Extracorporeal Life Support...a machine that essentially does the work of the heart and/or the lungs until the patient's are healthy enough to take back over the work. It's a pretty wild technology, and not all of children's hospitals do it.

Okay...your turn...I challenge you to do something new...and/or something that scares you this week. Leave it in the comments for fun.

It's all about Laminin

Like I said in the previous blog, I have been seeing God work in and around me within the last 2 weeks in some pretty unbelievable ways. There is no one that can tell me that 'miracles' don't happen anymore, or that God isn't actually involved in our lives. He is so present in your every move, in the things around you and only when you open your eyes to the things of God will you begin to recognize the power in his love.

In asking God to speak to me today, and bring me peace, He did so. Many of you know about my love for science and the study of the human body, this really spoke to me. Today I heard about a protein molecule called Laminin...it's in the body and apparently it's pretty important. I'd never heard about it before. A few hours later as I was writing this I was searching for a music link to add to a different blog, when instead I fell across the following clip, unaware what it was about. ...Again I'd never heard of or seen this molecule until today...now I've seen it twice, and it made me cry....I/We are being held together by the Creator of the Universe in more ways than one....you have to see this video. I came across it for a reason, it's meant for someone out there to see besides me today. Don't be afraid if, when you ask God to speak,...He does...because He will. I had forgotten that, but I have been brought around to it again.

http://

7 down...2 to go

7 of 9 adoption classes now completed!!! Only 2 left, and let me tell you, we are getting soooo excited. Once the classes are completed then we will be able to start our homestudy process. With that complete and a quite a few more papers to fill out, we will be able to be put on the list. We have been 'assigned' a social worker...I have to admit it feels a bit odd to say, 'we have a social worker...' It usually seems like only a select few of society 'gets' a social worker. She is pretty cool, she has been co-teaching the classes, so it's been nice to get to know her slowly before she comes bounding into our lives wanting to know all the griddy details. Once we go through the homestudy I will be able to tell you a bit more about what it looks like. But for now my impressions of it essentially means interviews with each Rob and I and a look around the house to make sure it's 'safe.' They can interview the children in the house too, in which case, Isaiah would probably try to give her a nice 'high-five' and maybe share his milk along with showing her just how much he LOVES having his diaper changed.

In the last class they did an exercise with us to give us an idea of what to expect in the 'choosing' phase. They had a stack of pictures of real kids that have since found homes. On the back was their bios....their history and what they've been through. We were asked to determine if this was a child we would consider taking...just to get us thinking about what we would see. Each time she held up a photo...without hesitation, and without hearing the bio....I called out "I'll TAKE HIM (HER)...THEM (siblings)." Everyone was kinda giving me the 'she's crazy' look, and the teacher said I was funny (thinking I was joking I suppose). What they don't realize (my husband does, however), is that I really wasn't kidding. I really don't care...if there is a child that needs a home....ours will be it.

Last Friday my patient's mom told me she was ready to turn off life support and talk about organ donation. I spent the remainder of the night getting my patient ready to donate his organs (it's a 12-24 hour process, before you can officially let them die and donate). The little boy was 6 months old, and beautiful...and had been shaken to death. He had been the second child to donate his organs last week due to child abuse.
NEED I SAY MORE....I will take any of them.

I am just VERY excited to be able to step in and save one of these precious ones from a life of trauma

...now if only through this blog I can begin to encourage others to do the same.

And as a side note....I really think that God can be pretty humorous in the ways that he uses to get our attention. There are times that I have felt God stirring me to do something...the other day was an example. I really felt like I needed to give a friend of mine a phone call. On that particular day, I completely forgot and got caught up in my day. My friend has a very beautiful and unique name that I have ever only known to belong to her. On my way home that night, I caught a glimpse of the licence plate in front of me....and what do you think was on it...her name! And it wasn't her car, but we followed it almost all the way to our front door. I got the hint God...the only thing more obvious would have been a neon sign giving me specific instructions....He'll do anything to get our attention, that's for sure. Amazing things have been happening in my life recently in which God has specifically gotten my attention. Keep your eyes peeled for updates.
My friend seemed to agree with me...there are no coincidences in life. Life is a beautifully woven story.

Ugliness and Silly Fun

For quite some time now i have purposely left my blogs light and fun. I have avoided blogging all the crazy thoughts that run through my head constantly...mostly for fear that i will freak everyone out, or depress them and they will never read my blog again. The thing is I've decided that my life is a little or maybe a lot like the t.v. show M*A*S*H. Well not specifically, but in theory.

Let me explain, (and I love this show, by the way). I began looking over my previous blogs and was thinking how heavy they were...and I thought, 'well that's not a good representation of me.' I'd like to think of myself as very light-hearted, funny, goofy and always ready for a good time or to join in the party. So it might be a little psychotic, but it's a bit like MASH. The story line is set in a very serious, depressing and full of difficult situations, and yet they find ways to be funny and have a great time in spite of it all.

The new residents are out in full force at work right now...it's that time of year, and the med-students are eagerly trailing at their coat tails (literally). It almost made me giggle the other night at work watching 2 med students faces as they talked so excitedly about a patient and what they had planned for the day etc. It got me thinking. It is fascinating to me to watch the change that takes place in peoples faces over the years. It's the same change of face that happens to nursing students, med students, social workers, police in training, or as in M*A*S*H the difference between a private and a lieutenant. It is so obvious the difference in the face of a 'trainee' and that of one that has been in the 'force' for a few years, just by looking at someone you can tell at what stage they are. The difference, well...the reality of life, and the ugliness and difficulties that it brings.

Again, let me explain. Life is just beginning for these poor ignorant people. They are filled with wonder and excitement as they begin their careers and begin learning all that it takes to do their jobs. But slowly a change takes place in them. I clearly remember just getting out of college, a good friend of ours through-out college went to the police academy to become a sheriff. This was the goofiest, guy, always ready for a good time, or ready to start one, a dare-devil. He completed the academy and was a little different, but still the same guy, only with hints of changes (i.e. the hair cut), and a sutle serious under-tone. Then the years of working in the jail and on the streets. A change had taken place in his face.

The same is true I believe for a new mom, or a veteran mom...a newly-wed or a 10/20 year married veteran. We all start out with such altruism....that things are supposed to be a certain way, and when we suddenly realize that things aren't so, and that change is tuff, and life is ugly...that, I believe is called growing up.

So I fell into that category. I wanted to change the world, be the sort of nurse/mom that makes a difference. But the reality of life has set in, and I have to force myself back to that silly girl that I believe that I am inside, and make a concentrated effort to be goofy and light-hearted, because it's all too easy to get uptight, serious, and tense. We are all that same little girl (or boy)inside, the same one we were before tragedies hit us, or real life was realized. We must find the balance and believe that silliness and joy and fun can exist simultaneously as the ugliness of life....just like M*A*S*H. ...or better yet, what happens in us when we focusing on the joy of the perfect love that the Father extends to his children.

(this is the ugliness I get to see at work)
I was unfortunate to hear a sound again last Friday night that I dread the most. It is the most awful sound in all the world, and no one can argue it with me. It is the sound that comes out of a mommy the very moment her child has died. It fills the air, and for minute the world stops, I think even all of Heaven holds their breath, it is silent, except for the wail of a woman, alone with her baby in her arms. There is NOTHING more horrible, more sickening, than listening to a mom wail and cry things like....'my baby, my baby, my baby......wake up, wake up...sit up come on wake up....lets go home, lets just go home....can't we just go home.' The anguish, the sound as she cries comes from a place that is only tapped in that moment. No one can know her pain, but all the nurses and doctors hold back tears as they try and not think of themselves in her shoes. And it doesn't matter how old that 'baby' is, because a mom's children will always be her babies. This young mom is now a veteran in life, fighting just to make it through.

I really hate that sound. It haunts me sometimes at home. My job has definitely become harder and harder lately. To make matters worse, Friday night I could have jovially been scap-booking with the girls (or pretending to...or just talking, I don't scap-book) instead of listening to the harshness of reality.

So although a bit schizophrenic, I want my blog to more accurately describe me, with equal parts ugly reality and silly fun...a bit like M*A*S*H.


'Set your mind on the things above, not on earthly things.' Col 3:2
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." ~Jesus~ John 14: 1
This next one is SWEET
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? SHALL TROUBLE OR HARDSHIP or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:35-39